The title of this post is extracted from the lyric of Michael Learns To Rock - It's Only Love - YouTube as it reflects the closest :)
Where should I start? I've been thinking. There are so many points to begin with. Father's complaints, my friend's point of view, a stranger's question, or the latest teacher's expression? Each and every one of them point to the same spot - a scar that never fade. Or maybe, one covering all - your question - what I will do on a daily basis!
People seem to doubt what I can do if I look this clumsy =)) and you resemble my Father from this perspective.
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Father is the type of person who planned me to be a taxi driver if I hadn't been able to graduate from FTU, one of the five prestigious universities for decades in Vietnam.
Father is the type of person who planned me to be a TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) practitioner if I had quitted Baker McKenzie, one of the most prestigious law firm for decades in the world, to chase his dream on his behalf when elder sis did not follow his arrangement and he finally turned some attention to me, his unexpected child =))
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Father texted: "Congrat! But why it took you 10 years just to obtain this driving license?"
Me thinking: "9 years actually." Me texted back - I no longer recall. It's not important anyway.
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15 years old, first time expressing what I would like to do on a daily basis, being underestimated and challenged by father for that I was too dreamy and impractical. I gave my dream up after being persuaded by father that I could still do it as a side hobby and I was so happy when he agreed and took me to Hanoi to bought just a set of carving knives. Only 13 years later, now, had I learned from elder sis that he called her for some consultancy from the eldest child, complaining that I might have some mental issue as I thought of hand-crafting all day. He was afraid that I would neglect studying. She told him to let me be. He is the type of person who will fulfil our need within his control so that when we fail, we can't blame him, ironically.
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17 years old, choosing to walk on the path which could neutral the expectation of father and what I want to do, regardless of what stupid people comment, i.e.: what can I do if I study law? =)) Well, something that taught and helped me to argue and fight, rather than accept the wrong and injustice and beg as those idiots do. LOL!
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19 years old, when my professor - the Dean of the Faculty of Law of FTU - was asking if she could hold a class on Saturday as no one will have any conflicts with other classes, I was the only one to object and politely, if I was the only one, , among 20 - 30 students, then please continue and excuse my absence, I will refer to my friends' notes and catch up later. They asked what was so important that I even skipped my law class [which was delivered by the Dean!], as a sophomore. I said I was sorry but I had to go home for a driving class. All looked at me with their strangest eye (not eyes) ever. They thought I was such a rich and arrogant kid to quit official studying for such uncommon thing! That time, except for the professional drivers, studying how to drive is really rare in Vietnam, even for the adults and male, not to mention for teenager and female.
For the driving lessons, one teacher often taught at least 4 to 8 students at the same time, depending on their cars' room. But I got the one-on-one lecture, with an instructor who was always on time, 5 minutes in advance waiting for me at the door of my parents' house, every Saturday morning.
The only problem was that he did not know how to teach Most of the time, he controlled the wheel himself and scolded me everytime I did not hit the car clutch enough, as it could damage his car 8-} I had never ever done any thing to receive so much scold till that. And it lasted for months, uncountable! But he reported to my father that I did extremely good! He did not let me practice on the auto-marking car (exclusively used for the actual test). And, I failed the practice section. By regulations, I have a second attempt, but I refused to take, as it was meaningless if this style of teaching was not changed.
Afterward, I explained to father and ask for another instructor but he rejected, blaming me that I was too clumsy and that I gave up so easily, with a basis that my elder sis learnt from the same and passed the test easily. LOL!
Of course, I argued much. I didn't know what father said to the instructor, but he arrived and promised me that I just need to appear and he would get me the license that I want. OMG! WTH! I did not want a license! I never wanted a license! I needed to know how to drive safely all by myself! When no one is around me, I can do it all on my own! That's what I need.
I did not know how other students of him passed, but since my elder sis obtained her license more than 10 years ago, she has never ever driven a car! And each and every time I had to hear father complaining that he still had to sit behind the wheel regardless of how old he was becoming and that he was so disappointed of me, that I did not finished my driving class, it was so much annoying and stressful. I would, if he had agreed just to change such incapable and insincere instructor! But I let him drive all night through all those years, feeling hurt that I could not assist him rather than holding a decorative license.
But now, for such a trip ahead, I finally "achieved" this license, for me and myself 100% as you said.
***
21 years old, still being undergraduate at FTU, had already been working full-time for Baker McKenzie officially, being kicked out of my parents' house for the very first time without any financial support at all, for challenging the path that they planned for me as an unexpected but best replacement, for addressing the matter of whom I love and what I love doing. Did not come "home" for months consecutively, till I graduated and invited them to join me in the ceremony. 8 months in total. People asked. LOL. Their house has never been my home. I am building my own.
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23 years old, working more than 8 hours at Baker McKenzie, studying more than 4 hours at JUDACA afterward, each and everyday of the week from Monday to Friday, still coming to the TCM vocational class full day at weekend including both Saturday and Sunday. Not eating out, home cooking, taking care of my small place, being exhausted! I couldn't waste my precious time for something ridiculous like this TCM vocational class. We came from different world. I would ruin my life here. I could not continue, father. Full tuition fee was submitted using father's money and non-refundable, but I quitted after 3 classes. Father was so mad that he did not talk to me for 3 months in a row. I felt guilty as I could not get the refund and it was not my money. But that's not the matter, it was not a huge amount anyway. Father was mad because he had spread out in my super huge clan that I can be a successor. I no longer recall how we end this cold war.
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24 years old, the untold tales, of my life, that is too hurtful to repeat in words. "It's only love." - they said!
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26 years old, going to Paris, still following the path that they planned for me, trying in vain to carry out something that would make them happy. Why do you go to Paris? - People: "I love French. I love Paris. Etc." - Me: "My ancestors told me to. No comment."
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27 years old, being locked down in the unexpected green pentagon studio in a foreign country, first time, first time ever, doing what I truly love, confessing my affection to whom I truly care, experiencing the freedom that I have been longing for. Still, trapped into another trade! XD
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28 years old, another tales not yet to be revealed. Ahead is a rough but the right path to where I would love to be, to do what I would love to do, and to whom I would love to take care of. I - need to prepare, so carefully. That's why. 9 or 10 years doesn't matter, as long as I'm still alive and capable of, I will.
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