Control or be controlled

2 June 2020, Paris, France

Calm

It’s been quite some time now. I did not find back my lost calm. I gained the new one.

Being here is not a reason for me to learn French, though I learnt French to be here. I studied so intensively 3 years ago, then I could not manage to balance it with my situation back then. I did not give up on it, but there was such a long pause. I was trying to re-learn everything last year. Come on, I have been in Paris, so why not studying French here? But I gave it up, last time. As I was still trying to go right on the wrong path.

A lot have happened lately, so spontaneously, so quickly and everything has changed, and yes, so unexpectedly… in positive ways. I have restarted learning French again. But only until yesterday and now, did I recall and realize why I wanted to do it at the first place.

I practice at least 3 – 6 hours daily but could not focus any at all yesterday. Being drawn to some Chinese drama series, again, after almost half a year. For the very first time, I watch them, 9 episodes * 40 mins, without subtitle. I could understand at least 80% - 90% and only replay less than 5 times to see the subs… Amazingly! I could do it 30% - 60% at most. I – have – never studied Chinese officially! Officially… that’s a matter and that’s a question itself. What’s the reason of this? It made me think, seriously. Was it my passion and basic understanding for the language and culture, was it that I dare to give it an attempt this time, was it this and was it that…? Then, I was worried again.

I doubted. Was it me myself, or was it me under your possession? Were you trying to warn me that my efforts to study French, or whatsoever that I want, is just nothing compare to your manipulation over my brain?

Control or be controlled? I want neither! But I don’t know if I can do what I want, as the third option seems so unreachable. I’ve a lot more to say, but that’s enough for this time. I’ve changed. I – have – changed. And you’ll never see it through.

I won’t let you use me to hurt any other else. No more. That’s too much! My third option is available, and I am trying to reach it ( :

I am reaching it!