I was going to write your tombs, then recalled that he is not yet "cải táng". How long has it been? 3 years? or so? It's about time soon.
Do you think that he has forgiven me for that stupid and selfish sin?
Suddenly I remembered that you were the first one I would shed my tears, whenever I'm in trouble, since I was a kid. Father was there, too. He saw me crying. But it was not because father was there. It was that I was standing in front of your tomb. And that time, just before I gave him up!
Since then, I think that I haven't come back, to see you. Even when I came to that graveyard for another responsibility.
I haven't written anything for you till now. I guess, noone's gonna know who you are. They can't figure out even if they try to. I had finally encountered that 1%. I even cried when we were walking. But we were talking. I was asked about such horrible events. No, he did not directly ask, but I can't help. He did not know or care either. He's not to be blamed. And we are nothing to each other to blame each other.
I missed your cooks. That taste... I hardly found the very similar dishes while spending nights completing that trapped quest! But it's not the same. How could it be the same. They know my weaknesses. I didn't even know that you're a part of them - "You're a part of them" with all the meanings that this sentence can mean.
Father and I got into conflicts all the time. He was getting older and older, yet still, I let him drive, just because I failed the driving test twice! You knew all that, didn't you?
Did you follow me to Paris? Travelling around a part of Europe? You mentioned such thing when I was around 13 or 14, but it only happened when I was 26 27. The time, I still have no idea of how to predict it!
You taught me a lot of things, but then, you never let me know that you had used to be a priestess. You're not the worst yet, compared to all the other. Saying that we are not bloody-bonded to save us? Then using such a method to reclaim us... no, me, just me. You were claiming me as the unexpected yet prepared one to carry out the rest of your unfulfilled wishes.
I'm sorry, I should not mix you with them all. But still, I can no longer trust you. All of you!
I admit that it was my mistake to misinterpret your "guidance", "instruction", or more precisely "order"! I cannot blame you all either, you were not meant to reveal it. I took responsibilities for what I did. Though it was my mistake, he was too greedy that he joined in such trading with me. Even though, thinking so did not release me from my guilt.
But then, who would compensate me for being tricked, and cheated, and betrayed? No one, but me, myself, to bear all of your burdens. Why me?
Even you, you had never expected me either. You did not hold me until you were "forced" to. She said that you even didn't give a glance at me. And you locked me outside regardless of how I was crying. Even the neighbor got sympathetic and took me in, feeding me. You were also cruel! This must be the first time that I have ever blamed you this way. Yet still, that's how you are. Others still say that I am the most favourable to you. How ironically!
I write poems, just as you did. You're not the only one that cause me to be this way though, all of you are. You, and them, together. That's how the gen works. Not to mentioned, such burdens are not left by you, by them. So you are kinda "innocent" in this.
Finally I have realised that the bond between us is only debts. I owe you all my life and I will repay it, little by little. I am so different! I am never that cruel as you all! That's why, it'd rather stay silent for more than 300 years, till I came, than letting each of you taking advantages over it.
And for this, they treated me as if I was a long-lost found treasure, competing to be my instructors, teaching me all those precious that others cannot afford with all their blood and bones! Sweats and tears! Then see, what now? What kind of person have I become? A mixture of all of you.
I still do, or am trying to treasure my current self. Loving the pros over the cons. Hoping that I can one day do that. What I want, you'll never comprehend. Your hearts are just as cold as mine, and harder than mine.
I was thinking that it's time I should visit your tomb and your tombs, and their tombs again. But no. I've had enough. This time coming [back] here is to confirm that I've no regret here, no tangle here, no motivation here, no inspiration here, nothing else here left!
I'll ask if it wishes to come with me. I won't force it. And if you prevent it, I'll try, to fight, even if I've no reason to do so. But if still wanna remain here, I'll left it as if I've never touched it. Father was the one to break it anyway, not me! He did not treasure it, too. I did not either. My heart was blind. But now, I don't need it to do anything else. I'll protect it no matter what, as long as it wants to stay in my grasp.
For my fate, I'd rather staying on my own and by myself, rather than clinging to someone that never cares for or treasures me. I don't need love anyway. I simply do not love. Just as you are, you never love. You never love me! And it's unavoidable and undeniable, because it's genetic!
Anyway, I thank you all and appreciate that you let me come to this world, unexpectedly though. It was merit enough. And that you educated me well, not for me at all though. It was honourable enough.
Last but not least, thank you for giving me chance of doing what I wanted to do, what I could do, without blaming me at all! Even if you are a part of them, a part of their plan, you loved me, didn't you?
***
The first time I cooked was when I was 8. She taught me how to. And she is not my mother. The later never cares! She was also the one teaching my mother how to cook *smirking*! She was a great cook. A strong woman. A romantic woman, so much more. But still, she was one of them!
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